It's Hard Out There for a Vulcan Pimp
by RasberryGirl
Summary: Everyone knows Vulcans don't rap...right? Commander Spock sets the record straight. One of the fun times which take place when a drunken Enterprise crew is bored...blame Kirk! Friendship, S/U. UPDATE: The crew witnesses a freestyle flow the Vulcan Way.
1. Human Shenanigans

**It's Hard Out There for a (Vulcan) Pimp: Part 1/2  
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Quick disclaimer: Don't own them._

_Warning: This version of the crew= frat house in outer space_

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Holding the lone non-alcoholic beverage in the room, Spock deftly navigated the thick crowds of gold, red and blue uniforms in the mess hall as he searched for Lieutenant Uhura. His long-legged stride was as graceful as ever, despite the mounting irritation he was experiencing after being sidetracked several times to briefly converse with various crew members—including the current bartender, Nurse Chapel.

He finally found his target.

Uhura was resting one elbow on Scotty's shoulder as she slowly drained her own glass. The two officers along with the rest of the senior bridge crew were all focused on the display before them. She spun around upon the stroke of fingers on her wrist and immediately stepped into the lean, warm body before her.

"Come watch, Commander!" Uhura said after pressing a soft kiss to his adam's apple. Spock held back a purr and replied, "I would rather we retire to my quarters as soon as possible, Lieutenant. I find myself uninterested in this setting. Also—you are inebriated." He folded his hands behind him to prevent the slender woman from trying a Vulcan kiss.

She turned away from him with a smile only to lay the back of her head against his chest.

"Hmmm, we will, but you have to see this first, it's hilarious." Spock strongly doubted the logic of her statement but didn't argue, because her hair smelled like freesia.

A few feet in front of them, Spock observed Chekov emitting rhythmic, sharp sounds from his mouth which were muffled by his folded hands while Sulu tapped out loud thumps on the table he crouched beside. Although the sounds and thumps were not synchronized, it was clear that they were both acting in coordination with the other. Jim Kirk silently stood between them, bobbing and swaying slightly on his feet. He was also holding a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his fingers. Rounding out the scene was Dr. McCoy, who was beholding the spectacle with a grimace of unending pain on the opposite side of Scotty.

Spock blinked. "Riveting. Now we must depart."

Scotty leaned over Uhura's ponytail towards him. "Wouldna do that, lad. Fun's just about ta start!"

Suddenly Kirk looked up and brought the sealed bottle just below his mouth.

"My name is James T. Kirk! Finest damn Captain in the universe!"

Over the burst of raucous laughter, Spock heard and felt Uhura's quiet chuckle reverberate through his chest.

"That man's ego knows no bounds." He could not disagree with this.

Kirk then freestyled,

_**Ladies, ladies**_

_**Far and wide**_

_**Come to Jimmy**_

_**to keep you warm at night.**_

_**Don't be afraid **_

_**This is no attack**_

_**Trust the man in gold**_

_**Jimmy's got your back**_

_**Leave your boys at home**_

_**It's time for a man**_

_**Who can make you scream**_

_**Like this Captain can!**_

"_**Kirk out."**_

Everyone but Bones (who just scowled) was doubled over in laughter.

"You're a dumbass, Jim."

"How'd you like that one, Lieutenant? Dedicated to you, of course," Kirk winked at Uhura.

She sighed. "I wonder how you ever managed to lose your virginity." Bones snorted. "That makes two of us."

They gave each other discreet low fives.

Kirk ignored them both and instead set his sights on the tall Vulcan quietly glaring beside Uhura.

"Ahhh, my first officer. I was wondering where you disappeared to...would've thought you'd be over all these illogical human shenanigans by now." Which he was. "You want another?" Kirk gestured to the other man's empty glass.

"I do not require further refreshment. Captain," Spock redirected with a tilt of his head, hands folded behind his back,"you implied that this was not the first time you have engaged in..."

"Freestyle flow, son!"

Spock raised a single eyebrow. "Yes. And what is the purpose of this activity?"

Kirk shrugged. "Somethin' to do when you're wasted." His face brightened with the glee of a child on Christmas morning. "You know, if you weren't so...you...I might challenge you to a one-on-one battle."

Scotty began to choke on his Bud Classic until Uhura gave him a swift smack on the back.

"Thanks lass."

"Dammit Jim," Bones groaned with an eye roll. "Everyone knows Vulcans don't rap! It'd probably make their brains explode just to try."

"On the contrary, doctor." The corner went silent as everyone's gaze swung to the Commander.

Spock stepped forward to retrieve the Jack Daniels from Kirk's grasp.

"It is not the Vulcan way to back down from a challenge. I must freestyle," he confirmed.

Dark brown eyes met bloodshot blue for a moment before the blonde man let go of the bottle with a lopsided, impish smirk.

"Okay. Go right now."

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Are Kirk's rhymes unbeatable? Or will Commander Spock manage to cut a bitch? Stay tuned and please review. :)

P.S. Don't worry, Spock will not get drunk off JD. That's not how he rolls.


	2. He Never Stood a Chance

**It's Hard Out There for a (Vulcan) Pimp: Part 2/2**

_And so it goes..._

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Spock contemplated the glass bottle in his right hand, considering the practical purposes of such an object for improving the outcome of a freestyle flow. After several strangely slow mental calculations, he eventually decided Kirk's earlier use of it as an amplification device was based on absolutely nothing logical.

"Ensign Gui." The young comm officer staggered forward.

"What can I do for you, Commander?"

"Can you locate a personal voice amplification device within the next ten seconds?" Gui returned in eight, along with Scotty, who for some reason or another had actually had a few of them in his pocket. With a wink, Lieutenant Uhura carefully fastened a microphone to the collar of Spock's blue shirt.

The rest of the room had begun to gather around their corner, low murmurs of anticipation swelling from the crowd. There was a strange rumor going around that the Captain and the First Officer were about to have a battle of some sort and hell, who wanted to miss that. But Chekov was wary.

"Keptin, I am vary. I do not zink the Commander should—"

Kirk ruffled the boy's curly head. "Just beatbox, kid." So he did.

Spock nodded once towards Sulu. "Lieutenant—if you would kindly supply me with a beat."

Hikaru obliged, thumping out a beat that was just as complicated but a bit slower than the one for the Captain had been. The pilot had a strong and still growing feeling he shouldn't have done all those Patron shots earlier—he would never forgive himself if he couldn't remember anything in the morning. But his face broke out in a huge grin when he noticed that McCoy had peeled off to watch from further back in the crowd, giving his raised tricorder—set in camera mode— a wider view of the entire scene.

Spock stood at a relaxed parade rest position, hands again folded at the small of his back again as he faced Kirk, whose owns arms were crossed at the chest. "Not too late to change your mind, Commander. I would if I were you." The corner of Spock's mouth quirked as he inclined his head.

"Likewise." Kirk's eyes widened.

"You're stalling now?"

Spock's reply was to begin a leisurely stroll around his superior officer. Conversationally, he said,

"I am Vulcan-born, you may know me as Spock. My blood runs green; I possess a large..._lok._"

Every comm officer and/or Vulcan Language I graduate in the room erupted in stunned amazement. From their reaction, everyone else correctly surmised what their Vulcan Commander had so casually stated---including the Captain, who was now 75% less confident than he had been one minute before.

"Shit."

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Uhura was pulled out of her shock by the squeal of a certain nurse. Eyes narrowed, she sipped Spock's near empty drink and her suspicion was confirmed.

"Christine Chapel!" Except for the beatbox, the room fell silent. "Why the hell did you make a MUDSLIDE for a VULCAN!?"

Uhura's glare burned a path through the crowd as it ended directly on the not-so-contrite blonde, who innocently blinked. "Relax, Uhura, it's not like I was trying to drug him or something." She coughed. "I suppose I didn't realize Vulcan physiology would react so strongly to a virgin Terran cocktail."

"Lying bitch." Uhura spun on her heel and immediately reached for Spock. "Baby, you're as drunk as everyone else! Gimme that mic."

Spock trailed a finger over her palm. "Your logic is sound," he agreed, then batted her hand away.

"But I must proceed." He freestyled,

_**The USS Enterprise**_

_**Is my present station**_

_**To seek out new life**_

_**And new civilizations.**_

_**Physics. **_

_**Chemistry. **_

_**Biology.**_

_**An officer of science—naturally.**_

A huge group of officers in blue sent up a whoop from the audience. "YEAH COMMANDER!"

_**I bring you a freestyle**_

_**With the aid of these two:**_

Scotty ran forward to pin tiny microphones to Chekov and Sulu's uniform shirts.

_**Masters of the beatbox**_

_**I will introduce to you.**_

_**Lieutenant Pavel Chekhov**_

_**mistakes "w" for "v"**_

_**His accent is strong;**_

_**He is Russian you see.**_

"Vait! Vat is vrong vith my woice?" "Dammit man, don't stop the beat!" "Sorry doctor."

_**Next our able helmsan**_

_**whose talents are not few**_

_**The purveyor of this beat**_

_**known as Hikaru Sulu.**_

"GO SULU! GO SULU! GO SULU! GO! GO! GO! GO!" the room chanted.

_**On the subject of Uhura **_

_**for the very last time: **_

_**she is an illogical woman **_

_**who is logically—mine.**_

Uhura ignored the lusty whistles and catcalls to smugly grin at a suddenly scowling Chapel.

_**So I warn you Captain, **_

_**kindly cease and desist**_

_**unless the Vulcan Nerve Pinch**_

_**is something you miss.**_

Spock yanked the microphone from his collar and dropped it at Kirk's feet. "Spock out."

Pandemonium ensued.

"What the fuck was that?!" "Who the fuck cares? We just saw Commander Spock own the Captain in a RAP BATTLE."

"Hikaru, vat just heppened?" "Something awesome. I love my life right now."

"Damn, Spock is hot. I wonder what he's doing later...?" "You're a moron, Christine."

"I'm no fool, Scotty! I bet 200 credits the Commander was actually a 3-D holograph." "Aye, Ensign! I'm not so sure m'self it was real! But uh, let me grab my wallet, lad..."

As Lieutenant Uhura was already aware of his greatness, she was more focused on Spock's health.

"...are you sure you're alright? Because that wench knew good and well what she was doing and didn't even care that the stuff could be toxic to you! She's lucky she's in a public place right now. Seriously Spock, what kind of degenerate nurse deliberately poisons someone to—"

Her rant abruptly ceased when a pale finger pressed to her mouth. She clenched her jaw.

"It does not matter, Nyota. My current intoxication is not severe and certainly not enough to warrant further concern." Uhura softened at Spock's words and finally gave a small smile, which he returned with a tiny quirk of his own lips. "My system will return to normal except for you," his voice lower, black eyes boring into hers, "the only narcotic I am defenseless to."

He was radiating the exotic heat Uhura knew she'd never get enough of, but would gladly spend a lifetime trying to. She nuzzled her face into his lightly stubbled jaw. "Mmmm, that's sexy Commander. Now prove it."

"As I tired of these human shenanigans long ago," he growled, seizing her hand, "I will accept your challenge." The mess hall's double doors gently whirred shut behind them.

In the corner, Kirk was nursing his bottle with Bones.

"Hey...I never got to do a rebuttal. So I still got a chance, right?"

"HAHAHA. That hobgoblin just whooped your human ass, Jim. And he'd do it again!"

"I hate you, Bones."

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Poor Kirk... maybe Spock will help him step up his game someday.

High fives to Babita who gave me the last minute idea for the narcotics line! Oh—I'm sure most already know this but the mudslide=chocolate goodness which is a Vulcan intoxicant and why Uhura was so pissed at nurse/bartender Chapel.

Thank you for reading and for your kind reviews, I sincerely hope you enjoyed. :)


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